Jokes.
Smart Old Lady
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money.She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.
Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure had. There was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
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Kids
How do you decide who to marry? (answered by elem students)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they are going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10
What is the right age to get married?
23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille,age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-Freddie, age 6
How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-Derrick, age 8
What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
Both don't want any more kids.
-Lori, age 8
What do most people do on a date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-Martin, age 10
What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9
When is it okay to kiss someone?
The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-Howard, age 8
Is it better to be single or married?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-Anita, age 9
How would the world be different if people didn't get married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-Kevin, age 8
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The Ideal Life
A businessman was at a pier of a small coastal village when a small boat with a local fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.
The visitor complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish, and asked how long it took to catch them. The man replied only a little while. The visitor then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, spend some time with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my friends. I have a full and busy life."
The businessman scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the income from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to the city and eventually to a place like New York City, where you would run your expanding enterprise."
The fisherman asked, "But how long with this all take?" To which the businessman replied, "perhaps 10-15 years."
"But what then?"
The businessman laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company's stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."
"Millions!? Then what?"
The businessman said, "Then you could retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, spend some time with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends."
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Bras
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
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A wife's 5 common questions and the ideal answers.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly. For example:
1) "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a) Baseball
b) Football
c) How fat you are.
d) How much prettier she is than you.
e) How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
(The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said,"I'd be talking instead of thinking.")
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2) "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
a) I suppose so.
b) Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c) That depends on what you mean by "love".
d) Does it matter?
e) Who, me?
3) "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a) I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b) Compared to what?
c) A little extra weight looks good on you.
d) I've seen fatter.
e) Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4) "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a) Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b) I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c) Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d) Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e) Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5) "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would of course hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."
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The George Carlin Theory:
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating. . .and you finish off as an orgasm."
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Cave's Signs.
A group of archaeologists were exploring when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of
David.
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastic!ally.
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman."
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Malaysian Horror Story
To everyone who reads this ......
The story that you are about to read is true and has happened in Malaysia Those with weak hearts or can't take fear and shock please do not read this.
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This scary situation has occured to my friend...
My friend lives in Temerloh. He has a wonderful housing area where it is mostly surrounded by trees and high land areas unlike a buildings in a city. However, this beauty becomes spooky when the sun sets as his place is at the plantations. The darkness around at night could give you the creeps.
However, the spookiest thing is the situations that he told me recently happened to him which scared him so badly that he was having fever for few days.
On going with the story, one day he went to Kuala Lumpur to visit his uncle over there. He spent 3 weeks over there before he returned home. After returning home, he woke up in one fine morning to help his relatives at the plantations as a usual routine. However, at that evening he went to Temerloh town to watch movies at his friend's place. He had so much fun that he forgot the time as he usually gets back home by 8.00p.m as the path to his house would freak anyone off plus the snakes at the plantations area.
However, when he got back to his senses, he was shocked to notice the time which was about 9.30p.m. He quickly made a move to home. As he was walking, he could sense that the night that day felt very creepy as it was so dark. Then at times he could notice some glimpse of light which stired him even more which was actually the moonlight. He noticed that it was a full moon day which made him feel one kind. However, he made his way home not showing his sense of fear in him as he remembered what his grandmother had told him before which is not to show fear at spirits and stuff and don't disturb them and they would not disturb you.....
As walking, he was astonished to see an old creepy looking guy selling some books as of people selling VCD's in Kuala Lumpur. It got the shivers on him when he got closer and noticed that this old guy is so pale and staring at him...... The old guy said " son ...why don't you get a book .....it would keep you company ". My friend started to act brave and thought why not and had a look at his collections...... As my friend was checking the books....his hair started to rose up as he noticed that all the books there were related to supernatural activities......but he found one book that is very interesting on true stories. One thing cross my friends mind " I just want to buy a book and just go home ....that's all " .....so he asked the old man " how much is it uncle? " The old guy started to stare at him from up to bottom and said ....." well son....this is a very good and intereting book...it is $120 ringgit " ....my friend was shocked and said ..."but....but...it's expensive...." This time the old man gave a different kind of stare which freaked my friend. My friend quickly checked all his pockets and found $100 ringgit and said " uncle this is the only cash I have in mind." The old guy replied " It's o.k son ....you can have the book for that price"
As my friend just wanted to take the book and run home.....the old man called back and said " son .... whatever you do don't ever flip the book to it's last page....remember this words....or you would regret it...." My friend nodded and took off....
Reaching home..... he quickly asked his parents " dad ..mom ...is there any new book sellers nearby " ....they replied " not that we know off but ...we have heard that there is one one old man comes once in a while during full moon days but heard that there is something creepy about it...why son? "
..
My friend freaked out ...... he told his parents" nothing dad ...just asking " he quickly went to showers and went to his room.
In his room he started to read the book....... He still remembered the old man's words about the book. After reading the first story from the book, he got even more scared and thought that he better sleep and read the rest of the book in the morning. As he went to bed, a gash of wind blew which chilled him up to his bones. At that glimpse, he noticed the book that he left on the table. The wind had blown the pages to it's last page. He remembered what the old man has said.....ahhhh he run quickly and closed the book.......
Well, as we humans tend to have the tendency to know.....he thought for a while and wanted to know what is there actually at the last page of the book....He flipped the book to the last page and he got a glimpse and fainted..... He had fever for 3 days before he recovered himself....
What he saw at the last page is stated below:
The cost of this book is RM20 We are having a promotion now and the new promotion price is RM10
How is that folks.....well hope that I was in assistance to brighten up your day today......till later
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Sisters of Mercy
A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads...SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says...SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads...SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - WELCOME
He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks..."What may we do for you my son? "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves.
The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of
this hallway."
He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign- "Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."
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Terrorists
Three guys were capture by terrorists, one smart, one average and one dumb guy. So the penalty would be death, they took the three guys and said " We will execute you one at a time", they placed the smart guy in front of a firing squad.
The smart guy thinks to him I've got to think of a disaster. The commander orders "Ready aim." Suddenly the smart guy yells out, "Earthquake!"all of sudden everyone scrambles. They realize false alarm but the smart guy gets away. They capture the other two, to carry out their sentence. They place the average guy in front of the firing squad. The average guy thinks to himself that if it works for the smart guy, I've got think of a disaster. The commander orders, "Ready aim" the average guy yells out "Flood!" and everyone scrambles he gets away.
So it came down to the dumb guy he gets capture, they place him in front of the firing squad. He thinks to himself, " Well it works for the smart guy; it works for average guy; I know it will work for me. I've got to think of a disaster." The commander orders" Ready aim " the dumb guy yells out "FIRE!!!!!"
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Classroom
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER: George can you count up to 5?
George count up to 5 slowly using his Fingers.
TEACHER: Good, now can you count any higher?
George put up his hand and count to five again using his fingers.
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have
ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in another
hand, what do I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
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Women
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... Wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day. I divorced her."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
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Smart Midget
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him,climbs it,and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"
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Father and Son
A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.
"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."
The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast(no honey or butter.)
Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it .
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?"
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Lawyer Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here
lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that
three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here
lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"
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London Bus Driver's Prayer
by Ian Dury
Our Father,
Who art in Hendon
Harrow Road be Thy name
Thy Kingston come
Thy Wimbledon
In Earth as it is in Hendon.
Give us this day our Berkhampstead
And forgive us our Westminsters
As we forgive those who Westminster against us.
Lead us not into Temple Station
And deliver us from Ealing,
For thine is the Kingston
The Purley and the Crawley,
For Iver and Iver
Crouch End
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Blonde and Brunetter
A blond, brunette, and a red head are running from the law. They go into a barn and they can't find a place to hide so finally they go up in to the hayloft and find three large potato sacks. They each get in one and close it. A couple minutes later, 2 cops come into the barn and they look all over but can't find the girls. Eventually, one cop says to the other, "Go check up in the hayloft." The other cop goes up in the hayloft and yells down to the other one that all that's up there is 3 potato sacks. The cop not in the hayloft says, "Well, check what's in them."
So the cop kicks the bag with the redhead in it and he hears, "Woof! Woof!" So he yells down to the other guy, "There's a dog in the first bag!" And the cop tells him to check the other bags. So he kicks the bag with the brunette in it and he hears, "Meow! Meow!" He yells down to his buddy, "There's a cat in the second one." And his buddy answers, "Well, what's in the third one?" So the guy kicks the bag with the blond in it and he hears, "Potatoes!"
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6 guys
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
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Retired Life
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
==============================
Wedding
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said,"But you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "Everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "You've swallowed my sock!"
==============================
Company's Fitness Programs
The company has discontinued all physical fitness programs since everyone gets enough exercise by:-
jumping to conclusions,
flying off the handle,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
shooting the breeze,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
pushing their luck,
screwing around,
shuffling papers,
and playing hide and seek.
==============================
SUMMER IN TEXAS
The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Texas
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.
He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.
Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
The climate suited them well.
Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.
First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young.
Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.
Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.
'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.
"By Golly," he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Texas is hotter than Hell."
==============================
Life Insurance
The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application.
The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father.
The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.
The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"
==============================
CARDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:.............
What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've
given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you."
"You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for
me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your
promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my
bestfriend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you..................
It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday---------
So we're having you put to sleep."
==============================
WIFE (Worries Invited For Ever)
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
--Anonymous
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An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
--Agatha Christie
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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
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Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison
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A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
--Anonymous
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Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
--H. L. Mencken
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Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later, for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
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"A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle."
- U2
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Marriage is a three ring circus:
--engagement ring
--wedding ring
--suffering
-----------------------------------------------------------
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back .
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
------------------------------------------------------------------
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
BaddTeddy recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married.
He says "the wedding rings look too much like minature handcuffs....."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mourning
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Short Ones
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
1) Religion
2) Royalty
3) Sex
4) Mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
==============================
Salesman of the year
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
Kid says,"One."The boss says, "Just one?
Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What on earth did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
==============================
~~~ And, he never overcharged! ~~~
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." Now it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff???"
"Results," shrugged Saint Pete. "While you preached, people slept; when he drove, people prayed."
==============================
Calming
A weary man was pushing a cart through the grocery store with a screaming toddler in it.
"Calm down, David. We only have three more items to find. We'll be home soon. Just try to relax, and after we get home it will be naptime."
An experienced mother noticed this and complimented the father. "I'm impressed at how patient you are being with little David. Most parents would completely lose their temper!"
"Oh, the boy's name is Steve. I'm David."
==============================
GCF: Teenagers and Cats
For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best source of advice is not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats on hand at all times.
And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
==============================
True extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms; These are NEW (mostly), and were collected by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas magazine.
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
--------------------
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
--------------------
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?
--------------------
This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
--------------------
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
--------------------
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
--------------------
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
--------------------
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
--------------------
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
--------------------
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
--------------------
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
--------------------
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
--------------------
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
--------------------
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
--------------------
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
--------------------
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
--------------------
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
--------------------
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
--------------------
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
--------------------
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not seethe other car."
--------------------
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
--------------------
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
--------------------
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
--------------------
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
--------------------
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
==============================
Prison versus Work Life
IN PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. *
AT WORK: you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON: you get three meals a day.
AT WORK: you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON: you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON: a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: you must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON: you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON: you get your own toilet. *
AT WORK: you have to share.
IN PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON: all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. *
AT WORK: you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON: you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK:you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON: there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK: they are called MANAGERS
==============================